Sh*t My Mom Says

May 10, 2015

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It happens a few minutes after the words come out of your mouth. Not right away, but as you start to move on from the thought, it hits you.

OMG my mother used to say that. Am I turning into my mother? Do I want to be my mother? Shit. 

Tell me you’ve all been there. I started to notice it when I first moved out of the house for college when I started to nag my roommates for the same things my mother used to nag me for. (I really am sorry roommates of my past – it’s not my fault?) The worst times are the ones that are word for word phrasing your mom used to say. It’s like it comes out of your mouth in her voice. Eerie. And upsetting. And a little bit awesome – mostly because she was probably right all along.

To set up this scene, let me fill you in a bit on my mother. As you probably know if you’ve ever spoken to me or follow me on any form of social media, I’m from the greatest state in the union: New Jersey. Born and raised, like the rest of my entire family. There’s rumors that my mom has cousins that live out of state, but I’m pretty confident they’re fictional. My mother is Italian, and yes we fit many of the stereotypes you’d expect. (No, not the Snooki related ones.) The “good” furniture had plastic on it, she will always ask if you’re hungry, and she’s got some very weird superstitions. But she’s also the momma for all the kids in the neighborhood, the one anyone would go to if they were in trouble (or wanted a snack.) She’s tough when she needs to be, laughs entirely too loud, and drinks even more white wine than I do.

All in all, my mom is dope. One of the coolest. That being said, she’s also crazy. Unfortunately some of this crazy has rubbed off on me. I’ve definitely caught myself saying all of the following phrases to the poor, unfortunate souls who decide to be my friend / live with me.

“Get those shoes off the furniture!” – this is a strict rule. It’s bad luck, and the world will probably end if you do it. It does not matter if they are new in the box, old and in a bag, or anything inbetween. Keep the off my table / bed / couch.

“You’ve got more _______ (insert any object here, particularly clothes) than you could shake a stick at!” – not so subtle way to tell you to throw some shit out / I’m not buying you another ________. But why would you shake a stick at a pile of anything? This one always baffled me.

“Bad things happen in 3’s.” – Hard and fast rule. There are no exceptions.

“You can do anything you want, but you can’t do nothin’ at all.” – Alright, I’ve already realized this one is true. When we were kids she just wanted us to be productive instead of coming right home after school and doing drugs or huffing paint or whatever it is the kids do, but it still applies later in life.

“Just sayin’” – justification for any brutally honest / harsh thing she just said. Kind of like “no offense” following something very offensive, except it’s usually just the truth. Real life example: “Are you sure you want to go out in that? Just sayin’ “

These are just the tip of the iceberg. If Twitter has existed when I was growing up, I would have enough mom-isms for a novel. But in reality, my momma is the coolest momma in the game (sry if you thought yours was) and I am so happy I got to spend this weekend hanging with her in Baltimore.

Do you have any mom-isms you’ve found yourself saying since you’ve grown up? Tweet ’em at me.

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  • Reply Michele May 13, 2015 at 11:38 pm

    Since this post is about me, I’ll clarify a few of my crazy New Jersey, Italian, Catholic rules and superstitions. I will also give you basic Mom stuff. Never put shoes on the bed or table. Never pass a baby over a table. Make sure you walk out the same door you walk into. True Italian superstitions. I raised my kids with a few other sayings. “Suck it Up” was frequent. All three were competitive in dance and sports. They worked hard and I supported them but…when they lost or didn’t place high, I’d tell them to work harder and just “Suck it Up”. The end result is I have 3 very hard working adult children. They are committed to anything they do. To me, that’s success. Each of the them are amazing to me for their individual personalities and achievements. As long as we have faith in our selves, we are good. For that I am grateful. Just sayin……

  • Reply Michele May 13, 2015 at 11:58 pm

    Extra note. I have mermaid blues nails at the request of Danielle. Tattoos? maybe not but I’ll do the blue nails because they are removable.

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