With Thanksgiving over and my neighborhood getting decked out in colorful string lights and wreaths, it is becoming more and more apparent that the most dreaded time of year is coming. No, not the holidays, but the season – winter. Winter is bullshit. So I figured before we are all feeling joyful and stuffed to the gills with holiday spirit, I’d take a moment and get all our winter- related bitching out of the way.
If you’re one of those lucky ones that doesn’t experience the miserable state of our part of the country / world during cold winter months, just move right along, this post isn’t for you. Mostly because I’m jealous of you. #lifegoals
Disclaimer – My mother says I speak like a drunk sailor, in regards to my “colorful” language. I like to think I’m just more HBO than NBC, ya know? …Sorry, Mom.
- The weather. The most obvious, but also the most bullshit. Snow is bullshit. Ice is bullshit. I hate it all. Sure, if you’re off of work and can do nothing but lounge around in your underwear and drink hot toddies, snow is great. But if you have to leave your house for any reason at all? Bullshit. Start by bundling up and trying to hide any inch of skin from the cold, including your eyeballs. Then spend an excessive amount of time fighting the 4 inches of snow which is hangin’ out above 2 inches of ice on your entire car. THEN shovel yourself out of your parking spot – and if you live in Baltimore, do that absurd thing where you leave a couple lawn chairs there to save it for later. That’s all before you even begin to venture out on the roads – don’t even get me started on MD drivers in the snow. I thought they were horrendous in rain, sun, wind, hail – but snow really takes the cake. I also had the unfortunate series of events which caused me to be stuck on the side of I-83 for over 5 hours in snow last year, which may be still be tainting my vision about the fluffy white stuff.
- Winter beauty maintenance – All three of us have talked about this, between dry skin and chapped lips, winter is downright treacherous and laborious in the beauty department. While the aforementioned weather is part of the problem, it’s also the damn heating. I’ve got radiator heating in my old row home, which is a whole ‘nother level of bullshit when it comes to my BGE bill.
- Holidays spent with family – okay, hear me out. I LOVE my big, Italian Jersey family, don’t get me wrong. But if you’re single, hearing Grandma tell you “I’m probably not gonna be around much longer and I’d really like to see my granddaughter get married……” gets old quick. If you’re not single, asking about when you’re getting engaged / married / having babies takes on an equal level of frustration / anxiety / pour me another glass of wine, amiright?
- Everyone is sick all the time. Colds are bullshit. The runny, stuffy nose, coughing, sneezing, chills. It sucks. And in the winter? Everyone’s got one. Your roommate has a cold, which means you get a cold, which means you give your significant other, who passes it on to their coworker, who happens to be your other roommate – and you start the vicious cycle again. Bullshit. 10 different kinds.
- Getting fat, then trying to get un-fat. Everyone gets fatter this time of year, right? You joke with your coworkers that you’re cheating on your “diet” for the holidays that you and I both know you stopped being on back in March. But it’s an excuse, and we all share in the misery. Then comes January 2nd, everyone pretends to care about their health and fitness again and all the gym rats complain the gyms are too crowded – wah, wah, wah – until March, when everyone gives up again. Rinse and repeat, every year.
- After New Year’s Eve, its a slow countdown to spring. I’m sure we can all agree the most bullshitty part of winter is everything after New Year’s, when you don’t even have holidays and shit to make winter fun anymore. I mean, Valentine’s Day? ugh. What even is President’s Day? There’s a freaking holiday based solely around a small woodland vermin seeing his damn shadow! Can we all just skip to St. Patrick’s or even Memorial Day Weekend? Everyone knows those holidays are the good kind – the ones that revolve around drinking and winter being over.
All right, I think I’ve got all my winter-related bitching out of my system. Now I’m going to go light my “Tis the Season” candle and decorate my Christmas tree, like a good girl.
What are your biggest winter gripes? Comment below!