During the same week in February, I had my wisdom teeth taken out and moved to a new place, which subsequently did not have internet until the following week. What do these have in common, you ask? The combination of the two resulted in me spending a lot of time in front of my television with only what was on TV to work with – ugh. No Netflix, no DVR, nada. It was like 1994 all over again. So how did I cope? The next best thing to a Netflix binge – the HGTV binge. This channel gets us. They play the same show, all day long, and it is great. If I could get them to ditch commercials (and the Property Brothers) it would be perfect.
So I re-discovered my deep love of HGTV. I say re-discovered because if you haven’t spent significant portions of your life watching House Hunters you’re probably not a human from this planet, but Fixer Upper and Flip or Flop and Beach Hunters were new to me. (Been out of the game awhile I guess, but it’s like riding a bike.)
During this trying time, I think I had some of the same exact thoughts over and over again. After doing so in-depth research – i.e. checking Twitter, I realized I was not alone. So I’ve come to the conclusion that HGTV has the best sociologists on the planet working for them and could probably find a way to make us all think the same and take over the planet, but they’re probably just too busy with a surprise plumbing problem to do it. (Thankfully!) So I’ve put these thoughts down on figurative paper, as they say, and included GIFs & Tweets because duh.
- “You picked the wrong f*cking house, idiots!” – including but not limited to “way over your budget, not in the right neighborhood, and its the ugliest one”
House Hunters has a way of infuriating like no other. I know there’s a lot of shadiness about how we get to what we see on tv (spoiler alert: they usually already own the home they pick) but that makes it no less infuriating when people are stupid.
- “Hallelujah, they found Shiplap!!” – also “more goddamn Shiplap?”
Joanna and Chip Gaines are little shiplap magnets, sniffing out every last damn home in Waco, Texas for the stuff. It’s a gift, and they are the shiplap fairy godparents.
- “Are they really brothers? …or are they a couple?”
I know I’m not the first person to have this thought because its the first thing that comes up when you google them. & that’s science.
- “OMG plumbing issues? They’re gonna blow their profit! Idiots picked a dud.” *makes $50k flipping house* “Dammit.”
Flip or Flop knows how to play to your nerves. Stressing you out with surprise foundation issues and a $3000 fix. But they still put in $20k custom cabinets and somehow come out on top. Tarek is some kind of wizard, I tell ya.
- “Oh, poor BBs.. The waterfront condo in Belize doesn’t have 3 full baths, only 2.5? The private beach isn’t big enough? WHATEVER WILL YOU DO?”
I just need those lucky son-of-a-b’s on House Hunters International to be a little bit more grateful for their absurdly fortunate lives, for pete’s sake.
- “You can get WHAT for $200k in Texas?” *Immediately goes to Zillow and starts plotting move.*
The worst part about realizing you live on the East Coast – when you see people getting 4 bedroom, 3 bath homes on 2 acres for what a row home that needs work will set you back in Baltimore. But then they do a California episode and you feel immediately better.
- “Maybe I should try making my own (insert outrageously difficult DIY project for your skill set, budget, etc.)”
HGTV makes us all falsely optimistic. Best case you just have a extensive Pinterest board of said DIY projects; worst case you actually buy a beat up old dresser, a can of paint, and a barn door and give up shortly after.
- Chip and Joanna do something cute and talk about how much they love each other. *CHUGS BOTTLE OF WINE AND CRIES*
- “Ew, I hate mid-century modern / craftsman / center-hall colonial”
After a few hours, everyone is an architecture and design expert.
- “Why is this couple even together, they hate each other?”
Let’s get really real rn, we only love these shows because you can freely judge people and their life choice, both personal and home related. Watching long stints of HGTV basically makes you a certified contractor, designer, and marriage counselor, right?
Really, there are so any more. You seem to quickly become an expert on the housing market in Fargo, ND and know the cost of a good kitchen upgrade in Columbus, OH. We’re all little home flippers, from the comfort of our couches, right? I gotta go though, there’s a House Hunters marathon starting…